Sex secrets??!! Sure, why not? I've got no problem telling women about our sex secrets. Besides, no entertainment topics were worth writing about this week; and I'm sure the fellas have no problem with me schooling you on a few private things. Quite frankly, there are a good number of men who don't care how women feel about their love-making. Yeah, sounds horrible, right? But it's very true.
You see, sex is a simple matter for men. We understand that you want it, we try to make ourselves available to give it to you, we know that there's gonna be at least a few moments of the really good stuff, and then, well... it's over. And that's the truth. HOWEVER, I'm about to reveal to you a real man's guide to good sex. That's right, personal thoughts from the abnormal. You see, I love you all so much that I'm gonna give you this much desired info for free. It's the least that I could do for my beloved readers. Of course, you are my beloved readers, right? I mean, you've already read my book, Twelve Lessons From Women, right?... Right? Still, here we go. Five secrets to good sex revealed (the clean version):
1. prepping: Yeah, prepping. I mean, you just can't rush into it. Well, you shouldn't just rush into it. Men are impatient creatures by nature; but real men know that preparing your partner for sex is a necessary act. Kissing is essential. We use to kiss a lot when we were younger. The good news for women is that as men have gotten older they've found that kissing on areas south of the lips to be more acceptable now. Wow!! Did he just say that? Damn right I did.. and it's true. Good sex requires good prep work; and of course, women just so happen to love oral pleasure. But ladies, don't expect him to spend all night down there. He has far more things to do.
2. listening: Yeah, well...I'm not talking about listening to your gossipy stories about your best friend, Karen, who just broke up with her third boyfriend in the past two months and who was just placed on probation at her job and who nearly forgot her own child's birthday, and who..... well, you get the picture. No, I'm talking about his listening to your responses after the touching and cooing or other stimulating acts which he should damn well be knee deep in right now. Whatever he's doing that has you moaning and squirming, he should be intensifying that very spot until you're ready to receive all that he's equipped to give.
3.connecting: Well, of course he's connecting. You both are full at it right now. But he's done with his prep work and he's heard the things that you like, so now it's time get to that much anticipated state of oneness. It's what the moment is all about, right? Or did you forget? Believe me, he's a guy so he sure as hell haven't. He's been thinking about that moment since the ballgame ended. So now he's eager to connect, and he's mindful of approaching in a way that will keep you at a high sensual state. He already knows your favorite spots soooo...next comes the massaging and probing of your female area with his manness. Things should be going pretty well at this point. Forgive me...things should be going freakin' great at this point!
4. all in: Real men know that you have to go all in every-single-time. All in, you say? Yes...all-freakin-in! The hot stuff, the heavy stuff, the intense stuff, the fast stuff, the rough stuff, the grabbing, the squeezing, the grinding, the beat up, and basically anything else that's gonna get you where you need to go. You wanted him to be in control and he's responded to your need to the fullest. He was all-freakin in; and you gotta admit, it felt good. It felt damn good!
5. maintaing the vibe: Real men keep the vibe going. You've peaked, he's peaked, and he's well aware that he should remain connected even though you can barely stand another sexual movement. What I mean by connecting is, his manness is still in your spot...or his hands are still touching your sensitive areas...or his kissing is keeping your body temperature at a heightened level. He's maintaining that vibe because your were worth the extras. It had crossed your mind that you wanted him to back off a little but you know you really don't; and he knows that too. Yeah...he's still vibing with you; and it's the best sh#t in the world.
Ahh...the work that real men put in to please that special someone. Sounds unfamiliar? Oh my goodness...you poor thing. Well, there's plenty of real men out there if you're interested. But hey, at least you now know what the secrets are! Now all you have to do is teach your special someone that which he doesn't know. Or....uhmmm, you could extend your search for that real one who is surely qualified for the job (hey!.. I'm talking to the single ladies only here). Because I have heard that there are still quite a few of 'em out there. Still though, don't tell everybody. Keep in mind now, this is still our little secret.