Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The 2013 Cornball Of The Year Award Goes To...

The year has come to a close, so you all know what that means.  It's time to recognize the Top Five Cornballs of 2013!!  Balloons, horns and champagne for everyone!  And please, remain standing everyone as we recognize this honor; for it's truly a great day to recognize the lack of accomplishments of this past year's candidates.  They've all tried so hard to refrain from being their true selves... bless their little hearts.

All of our top cornballs were recognized for their questionable acts and behaviors in the eyes of the majority. So what is Blaze Hemingway's definition of a cornball, you may ask?  Well...I think most of you all know. He's the whiner for unnecessary reasons.. The complainer who does so just for the sake of doing so.. The one who gives up when sh#t all of a sudden gets tough.. You know, that guy whose own girlfriend or wife talks about him behind his back.  He's simply your ordinary cornball, ladies and gentleman.  The guy who real men prefer not to be around unless strongly urged to do so (or are paid to do so).  You all know who I'm talking about.  Yeah....that guy.

So, without further ado...here are the top five cornballs of the year in descending order.  You will soon notice that Drake did not make the list this year..bless his little buttons.  And Dwayne Wade was too late of an entry this year (with all of that new baby momma drama, and the I propose to Gabrielle Union simply because of the new baby momma drama).  But still, no worries. I'm sure they'll find a way back to the top.

Number 5:  Blake Griffin
Blake Griffin makes the list this year.  He's one of the many basketball players who could not hide their extreme degree of bitchificity.  Recently, Blake was in the news for impregnating Matt Leinart's baby momma (a former NFL scrub quarterback).  Blake can also be seen in various Kia commercials either looking stupid or doing something even dumber.  Now please, don't think that the consideration of Blake Griffin as a 2013 top cornball has anything to do with hate..oh certainly not.  Blake Griffin is mainly known for making thunderous dunks in pro basketball games; he's also known for having the physique of a Greek god. However, Blake's lack of obvious toughness was exploited during the recent NBA playoffs when Memphis power forward, Zack Randolph referred to him publicly as "a f##king pu##y."  A term which Blake refused to respond to neither on the court nor off of it. Geez Blake...really?!  I heard of taking the higher ground but... (sigh)  Oh well, let's keep the banquet going.

Number 4: Chris Bosh  
Without a doubt, Chris was gonna make the list this year. As long as the Miami Heat center continues to play for a a high profile team, he will be scrutinized for being overpaid, very soft, funny-looking (bless his heart), and an underachiever.  Besides, that stupid picture of him with the Santa Claus hat and the puppy should keep him in lifetime honorable mention status.  Poor Chris. I swear, these basketball players...

Number 3:  Justin Bieber
Biebs...the whole world is waiting on you to become a full-fledged adult so we can no longer blame your stupid behavior on the premise of being "young and dumb," words made famous from Ving Rhames's character Melvin in the movie Baby Boy.  I mean, no one should be as corny as you, dude. I do respect the fact that you fully utilize your young fan appeal, but still...the whole immature thing is getting a bit out of hand.  And another thing, if I ever see you jump out at a paparazzi cameraman like you're actually gonna fight somebody.. (sigh), I swear, I'll personally find a rugged 15 year-old girl to handle your little a##.  Here's some advice from a real dude, Biebs...change your sh#t up.

Number 2:  Riley Cooper and Lamar Odom
Yeah...I had to do a two for one on this one.  Firstly, the Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver, Riley Cooper, expressed to the world on YouTube that he would personally "fight every n####a" at the Kenny Cheasney concert that he was attending (like their were any!).  That alone simply did it for him.  And Lamar...who cried because the Los Angeles Lakers got rid of him, and who cried because he couldn't make it work for the Dallas Mavericks, and who couldn't make his marriage work with a ride-or-die chick, Khloe Kardashian, and who had reportedly turned to drugs and alcohol like his drug-addicted father (no disrespect to his dad).  I mean, geez man! Everything was going your way and you personally blew it completely up.  I'm actually shaking my head with disgust as I write this piece. What a freakin cornball!!

The Winner and 2013 Cornball of the Year!!
Without a doubt it's Kanye West.  Now, I do applaud Kanye for taking on a personal war with the paparazzi and other forms of the media; but still, I have to say...you're a cornball, dude.  Kanye, we're tired of you crying about the fashion designers in Europe who did not give your clothing line a chance.  We're tired of you ranting and raving on the media circuits who actually pity you and who give you a chance to voice yourself feeling that you do have something worthy to say although most times you do not. We're tired of seeing you and Kim Kardashian together in public appearing as though you're some sort of circus show. And most importantly, we feel extremely sorry that God took your mother away too soon (bless her soul) thus leaving you here on earth for us finish raising.  I mean...what a freakin' mess.

So, with all of that being said.... raise your glasses, ladies and gentlemen.  Salute your 2013 Cornball of the Year, and all the other nominees.  Truly, we have been entertained by their stupidity, softness, ignorance, and lameness.  I mean, we should all strive to excel at something, right?  So salute, cornball. Sal
ute. Without any doubt in my mind, I'm sure we'll see half of you on the list again in the year 2014.